5 Steps to Discovering and Communicating Healthy Boundaries: Part 3 of Healthy Boundaries and How to Have Them

If you haven’t read the first two posts in this series on Healthy Boundaries (Internal and External Boundaries, BASICs of Healthy Boundaries), it might be a good idea to do that now. In this post, we will walk through the 5 steps to having and communicating healthy boundaries. I’ll explain each step and give several examples of how it works.

A mentor of mine talks about the difference between “setting boundaries” and “having boundaries”. He likened “setting boundaries” to putting stakes in the ground to mark where someone’s property starts and stop. Of course, these little wooden stakes can be pulled out of the ground at any moment by almost anyone. Our boundaries can be just like that: we put stakes in the ground and someone comes along and moves them. Sometimes, that someone is US!

This happens when we base our boundaries on what we think we “should” do, what someone else wants us to do, or we are threatening another person to get them to do what we want them to do. In the end, it’s unsustainable because we don’t actually HAVE our boundaries. We don’t own them. They don’t come from inside of us, aligned with our wants, needs, and values. Instead, they are about someone else out there. Once we learn to let our boundaries come from inside of us, from our authenticity, it will be easier to sustain them... because we own them. They are ours. We will HAVE our boundaries.

There are 5 steps to discovering and communicating your boundaries. The good news is, all of these steps come from within you. You don’t have to read a fancy book, or go to college, or have any special skills to be able to determine your boundaries.

‍You only have to listen to yourself and honor what you hear.

Step 1: What are you feeling?

Disconnection from our feelings is a big barrier to healthy boundaries. While feelings may be uncomfortable at times, they are extremely important signals of our need for care. In fact, it is almost impossible to take care of ourselves if we don't know how we're feeling. And, as we learned in previous posts, boundaries are the actions I will or won't take in order to care for myself and my responsibilities.

Disconnection from feelings occurs emotionally and/or physically. Frequently, our feelings are only acknowledged when they are intense or extreme. We notice them when they take over our behavior (i.e., raging, severe depression, panic attacks). We miss the quiet feelings throughout the day: mild annoyance, flashes of loneliness or hurt, small worries, glimpses of guilt.

Some of us have suppressed our feelings for so long that our bodies have started to protest through illness and injury. We often ignore physical feelings until they incapacitate us. We don’t take the time to acknowledge and deal with our emotional or physical feelings as we go along.

So, the first step to having boundaries is to ask what we’re feeling. Use feeling words like: angry, annoyed, irritated, enraged, sad, down, depressed, lonely, isolated, ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted, afraid, anxious, scared, worried, concerned, terrified, hurt, pain, guilt, regret, happy, excited, thrilled, joyful, content, glad. Don’t worry if you notice more than one feeling at the same time, or even conflicting feelings. This is normal.

STEP 2: What do you need or want?

Feelings help us take care of ourselves by alerting us to our wants and needs. These motivate us to TAKE ACTION. For the purposes of boundaries, an action may mean that we do something physically. It also may mean a deliberate choice to change our internal reactions, thoughts, or beliefs about something.

Once we’ve identified the feeling(s), let’s consider where they are leading us. What needs and/or wants would satisfy our feelings? Sometimes this is pretty obvious. For example, if we feel afraid we likely want or need safety, security, or certainty. Other times, this is less obvious and may take some time. There can be complicated layers to our wants and needs. In some cases, consulting with a therapist can help us unpackage the many layers and gain clarity about ourselves.

Here is a basic list of feelings and some of the wants/needs the feeling is pointing to: 

• Happiness, Joy, Excitement, Contentment - indicates my needs/wants are met; I want to share with others, celebrate, be celebrated, rest or relax in my fulfillment
• Sad – I want/need comfort, to grieve, to cry, to be held, to acknowledge a loss
• Shame – I want to know I’m not weird, I’m accepted, I belong, I’m o.k., I’m lovable, I’m good enough, I'm limited and I need help
• Anger – I want/need to take action to protect myself, assert myself, I insist on taking up space, I insist on living, I want to be acknowledged, to be who I am
• Afraid – I need safety, security, certainty
• Hurt – I want restitution, to know I matter – my pain matters, to be respected
• Guilt – I want to make amends, make things right, restore a relationship, I want to restore my integrity (sense of wholeness)
• Lonely – I want connection with other people, or with myself, or with Spirit (God, Nature, Soul)

Needs and wants may come in the opposite as well. We may have clarity about what we don’t want or don’t need before we gain clarity about what we do want and do need.

In considering this step, remember to keep it about yourself. This is not about what you want someone else to do. This is about your needs and wants. Other people may be able to help you get your needs or wants met, but they initially come from within you and are about you.

Let's look at some examples: 

Example 1: 

INCORRECT

‍I want Bob to stop being so selfish and take out the trash.

CORRECT

FEELINGS- I feel angry and lonely when I see that the trash is overflowing.

WANTS/NEEDS- I want a partner when it comes to house work.

I want to know I’m not alone in the care of household chores.

I hate taking out the trash and I don’t want to do that chore.

Example 2:

INCORRECT

I need Jane to stop cheating on me.

CORRECT

FEELINGS- I feel incredibly hurt and angry because I discovered Jane had another affair.

WANTS/NEEDS- I need safety in my marriage.

I want loyalty and fidelity.

I need to be able to trust my spouse.

I don’t want to feel betrayed and duped over and over again.

Example 3: 

INCORRECT

I’m so sick of the kids not listening to me. They are addicted to those screens!

CORRECT

FEELINGS: I feel concerned when I see the kids so engrossed in video games or social media that they don’t hear what I’m saying to them.

WANTS/NEEDS: I want to be heard the first time I speak.

I don’t want to be in a power struggle with my children over screen time or their chores.

I want to teach my children to be responsible for their environment and I also want help around the house.

I want a home where we are engaged with each other and with healthy activities that don’t involve so much screen time.

Example 4: 

INCORRECT

Judy, I can’t believe you are dating Jack. I warned you about how sick he is. You’re so codependent to even consider dating him!

CORRECT

FEELINGS: I feel afraid and concerned for my friend. I am worried she is going to be hurt. I feel hurt that she didn’t take my advice. I wonder if my advice or opinion even matters to her?

WANTS/NEEDS: I want to be a good friend.

I want to protect someone who matters so much to me.

I want to know that my opinion matters and that my feedback is worth something.

I don’t want to offer advice if it is just going to be ignored. I get emotionally invested in it and then feel hurt when the other person just does the opposite. Then, I’m upset while the other person has moved on.

Step 3: What requests do you have, if any?

Remember the “I” in the BASICs of Boundaries? The “I” stands for “Influence Others by Making Requests.” When establishing boundaries, we may not always have a request. The boundary may be internal and the other person isn’t involved. The other person may not be able to help us get our needs and wants met. Maybe we’ve already made the request in an appropriate way and it was ignored or the other agreed to our request, but never followed through. Maybe the request would be something that the other person can’t do, even if they wanted to.

On the other hand, requests can be an important part of establishing healthy boundaries. We often get what we want or need, simply by asking. People generally want to help, but can’t read our minds. Helpful behaviors we consider obvious may not be so obvious to others, so its important to state our needs and wants out loud with others, especially our loved ones. And it's important to state our requests in a respectful, healthy way (no raging, name calling, or passive aggressive behavior).

Making requests is hard. The response isn’t guaranteed, so this makes it risky business. When we make a request, we must be prepared for any answer, including “Yes”, “No”, “Maybe”, “I’ll think about it”, or a proposal for compromise. This is a scary and difficult risk.

For some of us, receiving a “no” is felt as rejection, criticism, or abandonment. If this is true for you, hearing “no” without spiraling into hurt, anger, fear, or shame may take practice. You may consider consulting with a therapist to help you disconnect that feeling of rejection from the “no” word. Remember that being able to receive and say “no” is essential for healthy relationships.

When we make requests, be prepared to compromise where possible. If the person’s answer is “no”, consider asking for a negotiated version or asking, “What would make it possible for you to say “yes” to this?” However, when our requests are non-negotiable, it is important to be prepared to take action on our boundaries if our requests are not honored.

Let’s use the above examples to see what requests might look like:

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Example 1:

Bob, I felt angry and lonely when I saw the trash was overflowing this morning. I really hate taking out the trash and don’t want to do this chore.  

I request we find a way to divide the chores fairly that doesn’t involve me taking out the trash. I’m willing to do a chore you don’t like, if you would be willing to take out the trash regularly.

Example 2: 

Jane, I felt incredibly hurt and angry after discovering you had another affair. I need safety and trust in my relationship with you. I don’t want to feel betrayed and duped over and over again.  

I’m requesting that you immediately end your affair and that we would go to couple therapy together to try to resolve what is creating such pain in our relationship.

Note: Remember, just because this person is making a request, doesn't mean he's willing to negotiate the answer. It may well be that if she says no to either ending the affair or counseling, he will establish his boundary that may including divorce.

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Example 3:

Kids, I feel really concerned about how much time your are spending on screens. I notice that its difficult for you to hear what I’m saying when you’re so engrossed social media, video games, or t.v.. Also, you are not participating in other activities you used to enjoy. I want our family to be active through out the day and I don’t want to argue about video games.  

I invite you all to join me tomorrow night so we can talk about solutions to this problem. I am open to hearing your ideas. Things have to change, but I want the changes to be created by all of us.

Note: When we are parenting children, our boundaries must include their well-being. Remember, boundaries are the actions I will or won't take to care for myself and my responsibilities. This includes our children. There are many facets of our responsibility in parenting

• taking care of ourselves;
• taking care of our children, including making decisions for them that they are incapable or shouldn't be making for themselves;
• modelling how to care for ourselves;
• teaching our children how to take on more and more responsibility for their own care.

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Example 4: 

Judy, I know you’re dating Jack. I feel afraid and concerned that you might get hurt. I also feel hurt that you didn’t take my advice. I am thinking maybe my opinion doesn’t matter to you. I want to be a good friend to you and, of course, I don’t want you to be hurt. I also want to know that my opinion matters, but I don’t want to get so caught up in your life that I am upset when you choose to do things your own way.

I would like to ask you if my opinion does matter to you?

Step 4: What are your boundaries?

Based on your feelings, wants, and needs, consider what you will or won’t do to take care of yourself and your responsibilities. What actions will you or won’t you take in order to get your needs and wants met. These are your boundaries. Let’s look at the above examples again.

For each example, I'll list some boundary options. I also invite you to consider what other options you can think of that would allow the person to take care of themselves.

Example 1: 

Bob, I felt angry and lonely when I saw the trash was overflowing this morning. I really hate taking out the trash and don’t want to do this chore. I request we find a way to divide the chores fairly. I’m willing to do a chore you don’t like, if you would be willing to take out the trash regularly.

POSSIBLE BOUNDARIES: If Bob isn’t willing to take out the trash and there’s no negotiated solution, this person can take care of themselves by:

·       Buying a bigger trash can so the garbage has to go out less frequently;

·       Move trash location so that taking it out isn’t as uncomfortable or difficult;

·       Accept that Bob won’t take out the trash and learn to live with it (without resentment);

·       Leave the relationship;

·       Get a housekeeper;

·       Hire the kid next door to come once a day to take out the trash;

·       What other boundary ideas do you have?

Example 2: 

Jane, I am incredibly hurt and angry after discovering you had another affair. I need safety and trust in my relationship with you. I don’t want to feel betrayed and duped over and over again. I’m requesting that you immediately end your affair and that we would go to couple therapy together to try to resolve what is creating such pain in our relationship.

POSSIBLE BOUNDARIES: If Jane isn’t willing to end the affair and/or isn’t willing to go to counseling, he can take care of himself by:

·       Ending the relationship;

·       Have an in-house separation;

·       Have an out-of-house separation;

·       Choosing not to be sexual with Jane;

·       Choosing not to be sexual with Jane until she provides evidence of a clean test for sexually transmitted         infections;

·       Choosing not to be sexual with Jane as long as she is being sexual with someone else;

·       Go to counseling himself, even if she doesn’t join;

·       Stay in the relationship longer to see if things change – but also staying in reality that these changes

       are unlikely if Jane’s unwilling to get help;

·       What other boundary ideas do you have?

Example 3:    

Kids, I feel really concerned about how much time your are spending on screens. I notice that its difficult for you to hear what I’m saying when you’re so engrossed social media, video games, or t.v.. Also, you are not participating in other activities you used to enjoy. I want our family to be active through out the day and I don’t want to argue about video games.  

I invite you all to join me tomorrow night so we can talk about solutions to this problem. I am open to hearing your ideas. Things have to change, but I want the changes to be created by all of us. 

POSSIBLE BOUNDARIES: If the kids are unable to agree on how to have less screen time and more engaged activity, this parent can potentially have the following boundaries:

·       Remove all screens and put them away or sell them;

·       Limit screen time to certain times of the day;

·       Have kids sign up for activities that are not in the house to keep them active;

·       Establish guidelines that allow the kids to earn screen time;

·       Establish boundaries in which the parent is not going to repeat him/herself while the child is on a screen. The         child will need to turn off, pause, or turn down what he or she is watching/playing to attend to the parent.

·       What boundary ideas do you have?

Example 4:

Judy, I know you’re dating Jack. I feel afraid and concerned that you might get hurt. I also feel hurt that you didn’t take my advice. I am thinking maybe my opinion doesn’t matter to you. I want to be a good friend to you and, of course, I don’t want you to be hurt. I also want to know that my opinion matters, but I don’t want to get so caught up in your life that I am upset when you choose to do things your own way.  I would like to ask you if my opinion does matter to you? 

POSSIBLE BOUNDARIES:  So that this person can take care of herself in her relationship with Judy, she may

·       Stop offering opinions or advice unless its asked for;

·       When asked, consider if this is a situation where she wants to offer advice;

·       Manage her expectations, knowing that just because someone asked for her opinion doesn’t mean they will         do what she thinks they should do;

·       Socially distance herself while Judy is in this relationship;

·       End the friendship;

·       Choose to accept Judy and her life choices;

·       What other boundary ideas do you have?

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Step 5) What about my boundaries will I share with other people?

At this point, we know what our boundaries are. It is our job to follow through with them, take the actions we need to take for our self-care. The final question is what we will share with the other people in our lives. It is frequently a good idea to share our boundaries with others. This is especially true if we want closeness and intimacy with another person, if our boundary will significantly affect the other person, or if we are dramatically “changing the rules” from how our relationship used to go.

On the other hand, there may be some boundaries that are not stated to others. These may be especially true for internal boundaries. Remember from the blog on internal and external boundaries that internal boundaries govern how we relate to ourselves and what we allow to happen with our bodies, hearts, and minds. In the example with Judy above, the person may choose to tell Judy she will be more careful to manage her expectations when giving advice, but it would be equally appropriate not to tell Judy that. The boundary is not really about Judy, but about how the person is caring for her heart by not having expectations that others will always follow her advice. Context is everything when choosing to share our boundaries or not.

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So, these are the steps to having, establishing, and communicating our boundaries. The steps are easy, but the process is not always simple. Having boundaries is much like building a muscle: it requires practice, practice, practice. Be patient with yourself when you make mistakes and when the process gets messy. And, remember that if you are running into challenges, ask for help! Consult with a therapist who can help you walk through these steps and be on your way to OWNing your boundaries and your self care.

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