One of the most frequent questions I am asked as a sex addiction therapist and a therapist for betrayed partners is if someone’s sex/porn addiction has affected their children. Understandably, clients have very strong feelings about this possibility. These range from various forms of denial to extreme overreactions.
Denial may sound like: “My daughter is too young to know what’s going on, so she’s not affected”; “Our children never see us fight, so they don’t know anything’s wrong.”; “Our children are adults, now. They don’t need to be drawn into this mess.”
On the other extreme, some parents who are feeling guilt, shame, fear, and/or anger may have urgency about “fixing” things right now. As a result, they may overshare with their children about the sexual acting out behavior in the family system. Oversharing may come from the one struggling with addiction or from the betrayed partner.
All of these reactions are unhelpful and run the risk of making things worse in the long run.
Thanks to decades of work with families in which alcoholism or drug addiction is present we know that addiction does affect children and families in a variety of ways. Unfortunately, children of sex addicts have been underrepresented in this work. In many ways, the impact of porn/sex addiction is a more complicated issue than the impact of other addictions.
A major difference between a family where chemical dependency is present and a family where sex addiction is present is the physical evidence. Children likely notice that a parent’s behavior gets out of control after watching them ingest substances, or they recognize that Dad gets upset every time Mom smokes from that pipe. Children have a known cause for a parent’s inconsistencies and knowing this helps them make sense out of the parent’s behavior.
The same cannot be said about sex addiction in the family system. Sexual acting out behaviors are typically well hidden in layers of shame, secrecy, lies, and manipulation. Sensing that something is a little (or a lot) “off” with one or both parents, children can’t pinpoint what the issue is. Without an explanation about what’s going on, children are especially vulnerable to making up stories that often blame themselves for what’s happening.
So the question of how compulsive sexual behavior and pornography use affect children and families is one of vital importance. Through this article, you will see that when a porn or sex addiction is present, it almost always has an impact on children and families. But before you panic and take any drastic action about this, just slow down and take few deep breaths. The effects of sexual acting out in the family does not have to be the end of the story. In fact, it can be the beginning of a family journey of recovery that can set your children up for a healthier, more authentic life in adulthood.
In this article, we'll review 5 of the most common overt (meaning obvious) effects of porn and sex addiction as well as 5 common covert (not obvious) effects.
Probably the most obvious way that sexual acting out can affect children is through direct sexual abuse or molestation of a child. While the vast majority of those who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior have no sexual interest in children, there are occasions when sexual addiction and attraction to minors overlap.
If children in the home have been or are in danger of being sexually abused by a parent (or anyone), it is the responsibility of both parents to immediately ensure the child's safety, take appropriate legal action, and get help for the child. If you are not sure how to handle a situation like this, seek professional assistance, including from a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) or Certified Partner Trauma Therapist (CPTT) in your area.
Children may also be inadvertently exposed to sexual material or sexual acts. In my experience, one of the most common ways porn/sex addicts are introduced to sex is by finding pornography on a family member’s computer or device or finding a loved one’s porn stash of magazines or videos. This often happens at a young age, even 6 or 7 years old. Early exposure to pornography makes it more likely that the child will develop his/her own addiction and/or other problems around his/her sexuality.
Alternatively, children may inadvertently see a parent acting out either with pornography or an affair partner or stumble across other evidence of a parent’s sexual behavior. Some children may even be enlisted by the betrayed partner to spy on the offending partner or asked by the addict to keep the acting out a secret from the other parent. Exposure to a parent’s sexual life in this way will likely leave the child feeling confused, ashamed, and maybe even guilty to be somehow complicit in a parent’s secret keeping.
When pornography addiction or sexual addiction is present in a family system, conflict between parents can run high. In many cases, children are exposed to constant arguing or tension. Depending on their age and circumstances, kids may have a variety of feelings and questions about this. They may question what is going to happen to their family. They may wonder if their parents will get divorced or will one or both of their parents get hurt. They may question their own safety, wondering if things may become violent. Remember that children aren’t
adults, nor do they think like adults. While the parents may see a conflict as no big deal, to a child who hears screaming or banging it may feel like someone they love is going to be seriously injured. Living with ongoing stress, tension, or conflict can affect the child's mood, digestive system, ability to concentrate, and overall well-being.
It is very common for separation to occur in a relationship in which unwanted sexual behavior is occurring. In fact, separation can often be helpful in providing space and time for both the struggling addict and the betrayed partner to get grounded in their individual recoveries. And, divorce may be the best solution for some situations. These are aspects of the healing process that can’t be avoided.
Nevertheless, any time there is a separation or divorce in the family, children will be affected. When sex/porn is the cause of a parent leaving the home, the children may be unaware of why the parent has to leave. They will wonder if it is their fault, if there is something s/he could have done to keep the family together. It can be challenging to help a child understand the reasons for these changes in an age-appropriate way that protects the child’s relationship with the offending and/or betrayed parent.
Whether it's a direct result of the addiction itself, or because of the betrayed partner dealing with her own trauma and grief, sex/porn addiction often creates drastic mood shifts and behavior changes in parents. Either partner may experience rage, irritability, fatigue, depression, and/or anxiety. These are common outcomes for someone trapped in an addiction. They are also common experiences of someone who's experienced betrayal trauma. Parents who have dysregulated emotions may disappear to bed for long periods of time when they used to be active and engaged with the child. They may be short-tempered with the child or distracted and unable to play like they used to. Mood dysregulation may result in a parent raging around or at the child. Children usually don’t understand where a parent’s feelings are coming from, and will often attribute them to her or himself, believing that they did something wrong.
Sex/porn addiction can cause one or both parents to be physically and or emotionally absent from the family. The sex addict may be preoccupied with his or her acting out behavior (i.e., being locked in a room with a computer, acting out with pornography; being gone from the home because of engaging in a rendezvous with an acting out partner).
The partner or spouse who's experienced betrayal trauma may not be very present, either, because of being preoccupied with the addict’s behavior. The partner may leave the home to follow the offending partner or they may be busy looking through emails, text messages, or internet histories to discover what their addicted loved one has been up to. Maybe the betrayed partner is just emotionally and mentally absent from the toll of living with someone who is acting out and lying on a regular basis. In any case, one or both parents may not really be available to meet the child's emotional or even physical needs.
Compulsive sexual behavior may affect the family’s finances in many ways:
These consequences may result in financial insecurity that affects the whole family. Activities the child use to participate in are no longer affordable or it may even mean that the family is no longer able to live in the home that they once enjoyed or able to continue the lifestyle to which they are accustomed.
Social consequences may occur for children of sex addicts that may be as mild has having to change schools or as extreme as the child’s community becoming aware of the parent’s egregious behavior and shunning the family. Either of these consequences or anything in between can lead to social isolation and shame for the child. Children also may feel they need to hide or protect their family from friends and others who care about them. This need to keep family secrets can also isolate them and prevent them from making truly intimate connections with peers and others.
This may be one of the most painful consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional or addicted home. When something is “off” in the home (ongoing tension, secrets being kept, a family member carries a lot of shame, etc.) children almost always sense it. I’ve heard children be described as “little sponges”; they walk around taking everything in. They especially soak up any shame that is present in the family. And often, because of their developmental capacities, they make things about themselves that really have nothing to do with them.
A common example is a child witnessing a parent being upset or even crying. Yet when the child asks the parents if something's wrong, they are told that ”everything's fine”, to “not worry about it”, that “everything's okay” or “it's none of their business”. These responses from a parent are generally meant to protect the child from information that could hurt them. However, the result is the child learning to disconnect or dismiss her/his own reality. The child’s intuition tells them that something is wrong, but if Mom and Dad say everything's fine, who are they going to believe? Probably Mom or Dad. So they learn to ignore their own perception and intuition. Instead, they rely on someone else's version of reality. As an adult, this can lead to a person who doesn't really know her/himself, who has learned to rely heavily on someone else to tell them what is true. And someone who may have difficulty keeping him or herself safe, because they don't have connection with the part of them that warns them of potentially dangerous or painful situations.
Children who grow up in a family where sex addiction or porn addiction is present are likely affected by skewed or twisted views of sexuality that generally accompanies sex/porn addiction. Some of these views may also be held by betrayed partners. When sex addiction is present, both parents may have extreme views about sex and their bodies and sexuality. One or both parents may send shaming, critical, overly sexual, or confusing messages about the child's body or the child's budding sexuality. In extreme cases, the home may be overly sexualized (with sexual content readily visible, hearable, and available) or sex may be a forbidden topic with shame and secrecy making it an irresistible arena for a child's curiosity.
There are many other ways that families and children are affected by compulsive porn use or unwanted sexual behavior of a parent or other family member. Below are some other areas of a child’s life that might be altered by the presence of porn/sex addiction in the home:
As you can see, the answer to the question “Have my children been affected by my own or my partner’s compulsive sexual behavior?” is most likely, “Yes.” This leads us to another important question:
Sometimes, an addicted or betrayed partner may act impulsively to try to “fix” things with their children. This is almost always unwise. In this anxious state, parents are likely to give information that is age and role inappropriate in order to unburden themselves. The long term consequences of impulsively sharing with your children can be very painful for everyone involved.
The most important thing you can do for your children is to get your own help. This applies to both the addicted parent and the betrayed parent. Your pursuit of your personal and your relationship recovery is the most influential choice you can make for your children. Your own recovery will change how you interact with yourself and with your loved ones. You will begin modeling to your children how to deal with your feelings, how to take care of yourself, and how to have healthy relationships and boundaries. As your life improves, your children’s lives will automatically follow suit.
There are free resources for addicts and partners, including 12 Step meetings: Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Pornography Addicts Anonymous, S-Anon, COSA. Additionally, seeking professional support from a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or a Certified Partner Trauma Therapist (CPTT) can help you get your feet grounded in recovery that is sustainable over the long term. Your children will feel safer when they know you are getting help with whatever has been upsetting you, even if they don’t know the details of what that is.
Whether your children are still at home or have left the nest, seeking help from a CSAT or CPTT can help you and your partner determine what kind of information should be shared, as well as when and how to share it. Some therapists also see the entire family for family therapy sessions. Additionally, your children may benefit from seeing their own therapist to process how they’ve been affected by addiction in their family and their parents’ new found recovery.
Sometimes it is easy to forget that adult children have also been affected. These are our children who’ve grown up, moved away, and are living their own lives. We convince ourselves that they are fine and don’t really need to know what’s going on between their parents. We often do a disservice to these children when we withhold information about sex addiction that was active in their childhoods. It is highly likely that they’ve been affected for all the reasons we’ve already explored in this post. However, because they never had the details, never had the words to put on what they were experiencing and feeling, they likely just believe that they are "messed up". Often these adult children of sex addicts may say something like “well, I’m just an anxious person” or “I just don’t trust people very much” or “I just keep getting into these unhealthy relationships” or “I was just born messed up.” Because they have not had ways to explain their experiences in childhood, they attribute the consequences to their own character flaws rather than seeing where these adaptations are coming from.
If you want to get more information or want support for recovering from the effects of porn or sex addiction in your life, contact us. You can also give us a call at (423) 269-7395.
*A special thanks to Dr. Piper Grant for her recent presentation on this in July of 2021 at the Certified Partner Trauma Therapist training. You can learn more about her at her website: https://numiwellness.com/.
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